Air Travel I - Wonder & Woe

Three weeks ago I flew from Newark, New Jersey to Tokyo’s Narita Airport. (If this were a facebook status update I’d simply say ‘EWR-NRT’, assuming such snark has not yet become passé.) It had been a while since I’d flown –six weeks almost – so it took no time for the incongruous wonders of air travel, like the burn of a jalapeno, to rip into my senses once again.

Of course, the physics alone are mind-boggling. I’m sure Orville and Wilbur never imagined an eight-million-pound plane, loaded with another eight million pounds of people, luggage and processed dinner omelets, could make it over a sand dune let alone the Pacific Ocean. Legalized extortion (commonly known as the fuel surcharge) notwithstanding, that we can in twenty-four hours get from any semi-major city in the world to any other semi-major city not currently steeped in rioting and/or armed conflict is nothing less than an everyday miracle (until we figure out those wormhole things). Yet people will still complain about the dinner omelets.

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Come on Irene

Sunday's hurricane proved to be rather uneventful around these parts. After watching news reports recommending people don't go outside, complete with reporters on location somewhere desperately experiencing sound problems while trying to prevent their loosely-fitted hats from being blown away, the power suddenly shut off all over town. We were bored, so I grabbed two of my children and decided to do the unthinkable and... go outside.

We found what could be described at its most extreme as a blustery day as featured in the classic Winnie the Pooh tale; this in contrast to what the Daily Beast proclaimed "Hurricane Fury". I headed down to the beach with my children to witness the power of nature and thereby cultivate a healthy, antitranscendentalist respect, newscasters be damned. 

Instead, we discovered a plethora of natives frolicking among medium-sized surf. Children darted in and out of rocks while dogs played fetch with the hands that feed them. Surfers graciously rode the whitecaps. After walking the beach for a while, we decided to head home. On the way, we ran into our next-door neighbors, who were coming from a "packed bar" down the street and a little tipsy. This reminded me that I could drink some wine if I wanted to, which I did. After that, I made Buffalo wings with my wife on our gas stove which we lit with a match. Then, we ate it by candlelight. The power came back on just in time to prevent our dairy products from spoiling and for me to catch the latest episode of Breaking Bad. 

Go Find Your Own Top Ten

Every time I turn to my twitter feed there's somebody, or several somebodies, or one hyperactive somebody, tweeting relentlessly trying to outdo all the other somebodies, linking to an article or a blog post centered around a numbered list: Top Ten Mistakes New Tweeters Make. Seven Kinds of Shoes You Should Never Wear to a Job Interview. Thirteen (13? Really?) Words You Need Right Now To Get You More Traffic!

I hate these lists, partly because I read them knowing full well they are written because research shows most people gravitate toward numbered lists when they want information, advice or more traffic. And I hate being most people. Sounds snobbish I know, but Yogi Berra wasn't like most people and look, people still remember and repeat his advice. I doubt anyone is going to remember WebBizMan for all those great numbered lists he tweeted to his 152,804 followers (149,934 of whom he himself follows, very closely no doubt). Given the choice, I'd much rather be Yogi Berra than WebBizMan.

Despite my curmudgeonly wishes, these Nine/Top/Best/Most Dangerous/Sexiest Whatevers to Get You That Job/More Hits/Fired lists seem indeed to draw the attention of the masses. (Christ, even pieces about lists have lists.) And it isn't just your blogosphere pseudo-savants. Time magazine flushed their dignity down the drain about five years ago, putting out a piece of rubbish - thrown together I'm willing to bet by someone's idiot nephew who should never have been offered an internship in the first place let alone been handed a pen - on the 100 All-Time Albums (their apparent disclaimer to intellectual liability or possession being they didn't include an adjective). The trolling hoi polloi were in an uproar. 'Backstreet Boys? Are you kidding me?' 'Where the @#%& is Janis Joplin?' 'Burn in hell, Kansas haters!'

A much more appropriate response might have been something like '100 All-Time Most Moronic Time Articles: #1 - 100 All-Time Albums'. Or, alternatively, 'You forgot Levelling the Land by the Levellers.'

The catalyst for this, my latest in a long and distinguished (and un-numbered) list of diatribes, was, as you might imagine, a top ten list. I found it thanks to the folks at Yahoo, who are above writing articles of lists but are fine with linking to them ad nauseum. The article, found here, gives a run-down of the (ostensibly) ten best restaurants to watch a sunset - according to someone who, it can be reasonably assumed by the photo credits (Xoopla, Flicker, TripAdvisor) and the descriptions that scream Lonely Planet, has never been to any of them.

To be fair the article starts with a rather promising entry: The Oasis restaurant in Austin, Texas, an apparently semi-swanky joint that sits above a 450-foot cliff overlooking Lake Travis (yeah that sounds like Texas all right). Personally I didn't think there was anything that high in Texas since Yao Ming left town (unless you count Ron Washington but that was only temporary). Sadly, perhaps predictably, the list swiftly turns antiseptic. San Fran, Maui, San Diego? Seriously, you could find a McDonald's in these places with fantastic sunset views.

I refuse to be fed such uninspired drivel spewed out by self-appraised champions of the best anything whose experience begins and ends with search engines. And I know you feel the same way. That is why I've decided to offer my own lineup of superlative somethings - compiled from actual experience, in the order they pop into my head, limited not to a number but to my bedtime, and unfettered by whether you agree with my reasoning, because I don't much care.

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Haboobs in Arizona

Oh serendipity! I may not be able to bear it if this is not the zenith of Islamic attempts to take over Arizona!

Those Arizonians are right to oppose the linguistification of jihadism. From the most humble zero to the highest admiral, we as Americans and English speakers must resist this assassination of our sacred language!

Perhaps we should respond with tariffs on all Arab nations? Or simply bleed them scarlet. I am so distressed that I’m frantically searching for an algorithm to make myself feel better. It may not be enough to relax on my sofa with some candy, coffee, soda, or alcohol with plenty of sugary syrup!

I may have to go full bore and partake of a fine meal with apricots and artichokes, tuna, spinach, oranges, lemons or limes; then huddle in the fetal position beneath my soft mohair and muslin sheets. I may have to surround myself with the sweet scents of camphor or jasmine, or play some guitar music, to send this Islamofacism to its just nadir. I could distract myself from the Muslim takeover by reading a magazine about the safari!

Is there any elixir or gauze that can ease my pain?

(Perhaps there is some hashish in a jar somewhere under my mattress.)

h/t Russell Saunders

Punctuated Equilibrium

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4/11/2011 - Christopher Carr to William, Robert, Becca, Kevin, Kevin, Adam, Caitlin, Joseph, Julie, Dmitri

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Hey guys,

Wondering what you thought about this cover letter:

Here’s the job description:

Title: Junior Digital Video Production Assistant II
Location(s): Cambridge MA
PT/FT: Full Time
Pos. Number: S7658763b37bh-S7
Dept.: Center for Biomedical Science Journalism
Payroll Category: T
Work Shift Code: S09-0401

JUNIOR DIGITAL VIDEO PRODUCTION ASSISTANT II, Center for Biomedical Science Journalism, to assist director, multimedia leader, and web architect with a wide range of tasks related to CBSJ’s web presence and overall goals.  Responsibilities include designing content; creating content; maintaining content; directing content; managing video content; overseeing user databases and internal documentation protocols; assisting web and video production managers in marketing web materials using P2P and web 2.0 technology, social media, and other outreach methodologies to gather more professional and lay public users; assisting with special projects such as live video conferencing or implementation of online training content and facilitation of transference of deliverables; uploading video, audio, and print content to website and other venues; liaisoning with end-user content manager and user experience designers/architects; and monitor server connections, data backup, etc.  Film CBSJ seminars and other press conferences and then download, edit, and upload video using Final Cut Pro or Premier; maintain digital media archives; handle other administrative duties such as equipment inventories, camera maintenance, assisting with administrative data entry; assisting with CBSJ social media presence; placement of audio wave reception devices during production phase; duplication and distribution of internal documents; facilitation of delivery of caffeinated potables; and perform other duties as needed.

REQUIREMENTS: three(3)+ years of professional experience; proven track record of broad technical proficiency and aptitude; technical orientation towards work environment; experience with one or more post-production tool; i.e., Apple Final Cut Pro, Adobe Premier or Audition, or Avid Pro Tools; and a “can-do” attitude.  Experience maintaining content on websites or (web) databases strongly desired; Joomla experience; experience with Adobe Photoshop or Bridge or WordPress.  Social media, search engine optimization (SEO), SEM, and online marketing experience a plus.  Proficiency with PowerPoint, Mastery of Word, Excel, and Notepad (html); and an interest in science, biology, medicine, and/or journalism are also strongly desired.  S7658763b37bh-S7

Occasional early morning, evening, or weekend work may be required.  Travel 15% of the time.  Remote work possible 13.5% of the time.

Two-year appointment with the possibility of renewal.  This is a full-time position.

And here’s my cover letter:

Dear :

I am very interested in the Junior Digital Video Production Assistant II position at the Center for Biomedical Science Journalism.  The CBSJ is an institution for which I hold the utmost respect and which must play an increasingly important role in the future of our technological civilization.  I would like to participate in the efforts undertaken by the Center for Biomedical Science Journalism to more effectively communicate the immensely important discoveries of modern science to the public.  The position of Junior Digital Video Production Assistant II is an uncanny match for my experience, acquired skills, and personal interests.

The Center for Biomedical Science Journalism is at the forefront of a necessary sea change in how the public perceives science and technology.  I am particularly interested in continuing some of the work the center has done on the neurodiversity movement and punctuated equilibrium.  Compared to other kinds of journalism, science journalism is often lazy, reductionist, off-putting, poorly written, and even dangerous.  The other edge of this sword is the fact that at no other time in human history has the effective communication of scientific concepts to the general public been more important, as crucial technologies – thanks largely to technological evangelism originating at the Center for Biomedical Science Journalism – assume bottom-up and decentralized (as opposed to top-down and corporate-controlled) structures.

I have extensive experience that makes me the ideal candidate for your position.  First, as a refuge from the confusing and panic-inducing nuclear meltdown in Fukushima Japan, I know how lay scientific knowledge and science journalism must be improved in kind if humanity is to progress.  I am currently working on a book about my experience with my wife and children fleeing the leaking Fukushima Daiichi reactor with only iPhone Internet access to inform my decisions.  In addition to this formative experience, I am unusually qualified to work at the intersection of education, science, technology, digital video production, and journalism.  The wide range of tasks under the Junior Digital Video Production Assistant II job description suits the broad knowledge I have acquired as a self-employed provider of a wide range of services in English and technical writer in Japan over the last four years.  I have extensive experience explaining difficult technical concepts to a lay or linguistically-challenged audience.  I also have extensive experience with both Adobe Premier and Final Cut Pro (hundreds of hours as a film/video/digital/documentary studies student) in addition to web design and marketing in a variety of media.

Attached is a copy of my resume, which more fully details my qualifications for the position.  I look forward to talking with you regarding the Junior Digital Video Production Assistant II position at the Center for Biomedical Science Journalism.  Thank you very kindly for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Christopher Carr

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Disney's Rent-Seeking: A Singularity of Suck

According to Alex Weprin at mediabistro.com, Disney has recently trademarked the phrase "Seal Team 6".  Seal Team 6 happens to be the name of the Navy Seal team that took down Osama bin Laden:

The trademark applications came on May 3rd, two days after the operation that killed Bin Laden… and two days after “Seal Team 6″  was included in thousands of news articles and TV programs focusing on the operation.

Disney’s trademark applications for “Seal Team 6″ cover clothing, footwear, headwear, toys, games and “entertainment and education services,” among other things...

...Of course, for all we know Disney has been working on an animated feature about a team of anthropomorphic seals in search of adventure, but given the timing of the application that seems… unlikely.

I'm not quite sure how to interpret this, but I know it needs interpreting.  The part of me that wants to be charitable doubts what this story implies - that Disney has bought the rights to the next FDNY hat in an effort to capitalize on and exploit suffering - as just too disgusting to possibly be real.  Another part of me is too shocked to be disgusted.  A third part of me sees this as affirming all the unsubstantiated horror stories I've heard about Disney from acquaintances who work in the film world.  A fourth part of me sees the burden as falling on the American people for creating a system that tolerates and even encourages this kind of (entirely predictable and inevitable) corporate behavior in the first place.  Finally, a last part of me perceives this as all of the major problems with modern America rolled into one event: the eponymous Singularity of Suck - an event that sucks so much that what kinds of things will suck in the future becomes qualitatively and fundamentally unpredictable.  

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Horowitz’s Haiku: A Lesson in Emptiness

One fine autumn day Horowitz the anti-Chomskyite was sitting alone in the woods burning all seven of the books he had collected over the first fifty-three years of his life.  His new Buddhist teacher had told him that he needed to rid himself of the ideas, notions and misconceptions he had accumulated over the years as they were no doubt what had led to his ignorance and warped perception of reality and the subsequent suffering which presented itself as irrational and illogical anti-Chomskyanism.  Horowitz had no problem with this order as book-burning was a hobby of his anyway.  So, there Horowitz sat, gazing down into the fire, watching the last little bit of ‘Radical Son’ and a few Oliver Kamm papers go up in smoke.  Horowitz’s teacher also told him that he should give haiku a try.  This suggestion was quite appealing to Horowitz as there need be only seventeen syllables in an entire poem, and given the fact that Horowitz usually broke out in hives when exposed to any writings longer than this.  So, there sat Horowitz, pencil in hand, eraser in nose…uhhh….never mind…pencil in hand…..and began his haiku meditation.  What follows are a few of the haiku which were found in Horowitz’s drawers upon his second release from the Boston Mental Hospital.  He had initially been admitted to BMH after having been required to clean Chomsky’s toilets for several months as a part of his occupational therapy after finding out that he had inadvertently read a Chomsky book and thought it was great.  This time he had been admitted to BMH because after having tried to achieve TRUE emptiness with the help of his Buddhist teacher he had a difficult time adjusting back to his usual reality. But wasn’t this the point? Wasn’t the point that Horowitz empty himself of all of his delusions and try to see the true nature of reality more clearly?  Anyway, his friend Ron was a little perplexed by the whole Horowitz-Buddhist therapy thing anyway as he thought Horowitz’s head was empty most of the time already and wondered if there was really anything left to empty.  Here are Horowitz’s four controversial Haiku poems: 

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9-11 Nine Years Later: America Finds Itself

photo from Reuters

"It wants to occupy our countries, steal our resources, impose agents on us to rule us and then wants us to agree to all this.  If we refuse to do so, it says we are terrorists. When Palestinian children throw stones against the Israeli occupation, the U.S. says they are terrorists.  Whereas when Israel bombed the United Nations building in Lebanon while it was full of children and women, the U.S. stopped any plan to condemn Israel.  At the same time that they condemn any Muslim who calls for his rights, they receive the top official of the Irish Republican Army at the White House as a political leader.  Wherever we look, we find the U.S. as the leader of terrorism and crime in the world." - Osama bin Laden

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Luxury: The New Spirituality

stone staircase at Angkor, CambodiaA number of years ago – 7 2/3 to be exact – I visited Cambodia’s venerated Angkor Wat. This was to be my first trip to a country without any semblance of a sanitation department so naturally I was pretty excited. I met up with a couple of friends in Phnom Penh and we headed for Angkor on the tandem bicycles they were riding. We rode 100 kilometers or so that first day, along undulating dirt roads cutting across tree-studded plains, only an occasional village to keep us on the more pleasurable side of dehydration. ‘What’s that?’ I asked Jamie as he poured a small packet of something into his bottle of purified water. ‘Electrolytes,’ he said, and nothing more. These guys, Jamie and Garryck, were biking around the world and, I figured, needed lots of electrolytes. I was okay with just water. Lying in a hammock at our guest house for five hours that evening, unable to keep down so much as a leaf of Cambodian lettuce, I learned firsthand the wonders of cellular osmosis – and, for future reference, how to ask for electrolytes in common Cambodia-speak.

Next morning we elbowed our way around a crowded and litter-strewn riverbank looking for someone we could trust to tell us where to go to catch the boat up the Tonle Sap to Siem Reap, the de facto base town for Angkor day-trippers. The boat ride was magnificent; the inside of our barge-esque vessel was stuffed with food and other such necessities for the locals all over the countryside which meant we tourists were offered by default an unobstructed rooftop view of the surrounding fields of wild grass and water buffalo for the four-hour trip that is equally fascinating whether you put on sunscreen or not. (The consequences don’t surface until later.) Once in Siem Reap Garryck followed his nose to a guesthouse where we could drop our stuff and take a meandering look around the town, which I found surprisingly and pleasantly serene. Where were all the day-trippers and other assorted backpackers? Left to explore the dirt roads and side streets in solitude I was not going to complain. Until my sunburn began screaming.

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Afghanistan, I'd Like You to Meet Japan...

Tetrapods, coming soon to Afghan desserts?Foreign Policy's Blake Hounshell has a good response to a New York Times story on the tremendous untapped mineral wealth of Afghanistan.  (Basically, Hounshell finds the timing of the story suspect given the current negative news cycle on Afghanistan and the fact that knowledge of Afghanistan's mineral wealth has been freely available on the Internet since 2007.)  For our Japanophiliac purposes, however, I'd like to focus on Hounshell's conclusion:

According to an article in the journal Industrial Minerals, "Afghanistan has the lowest cement production in the world at 2kg per capita; in neighbouring Pakistan it is 92kg per capita and in the UK it is 200kg per capita."Afghanistan's cement plants were built by a Czech company in the 1950s, and nobody's invested in them since the 1970s. Most of Afghanistan's cement is imported today, mainly from Pakistan and Iran. Apparently the mining ministry has been working to set up four new plants, but they are only expected to meet about half the country's cement needs.

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Nostalgia

Recently, the ten and eleven-year-old boys I teach are starting to get really interested in their own hair, skin, and eyebrows.  Were this America, I imagine there would be a media scare about the "homosexuals indoctrinating our children", but this isn't America, and boys beginning to pay attention to their physical appearance isn't necessarily a sign of budding homosexuality, but a sign of budding sexuality (especially in countries where the survival of offspring is a relative certainty).  

I remember when I was ten or twelve and began gelling and spiking my hair along with the other boys in my class.  It was more memetic than conscious choice I think, and seemed to coincide with the strange, new phenomenon of liking girls, which was also more memetic than conscious choice I think.  Basically, we all had no idea what was going on.

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The Daily Routine

After a breakfast usually consisting of plain bran or wheat cereal mixed with granola with a banana on top in skim milk, as milk is good for my skin, I take a hot shower.  On my hair, I use an Herbal Essences Shampoo, which I throroughly work into the scalp as this prevents dandruff and removes volume-reducing salt, also thereby lightening the hair.  I also feel this shampoo makes my hair smell healthy, as though it's well taken care of.  I then apply an Herbal Essences Conditioner, which I leave in for a few minutes while I cover my face with Gatsby Cool Facial Foam.  I usually wash off the conditioner and facial foam simultaneously as the conditioner mixes with the facial foam to both cleanse and moisten my face.  I then apply a St. Ives Apricot Facial Scrub, which comes with small natural mineral particles to remove flaky or dry skin and to penetrate pores.  After this, I apply Old Spice Red Zone Cool Ice 8-Hour Scent Protecting body wash with a plain, undyed loofah.  I will usually use the Gatsby Cool Facial Foam again on my face, before exiting the shower and drying both my hair and face with patting motions and my body with vigorous rubbing using an off-white natural cotton twenty-five dollar Valentino Garavani towel.  After this, I apply a pre-shave lotion to my face to soften hair follicles.  I shave only in the direction of the hair using Gillette cream, not gel, as gel fails to effectively saturate all the hair follicles and can cause irritation and even painful ingrown hairs.  I use a four-bladed Gillette Fusion vibrating razor as I don't have to push down as hard, which can also cause irritation.  I always shave the sideburns and moustache last as this area is the most sensative and needs extra time for the shaving cream to soften the hair follicles.  I am strongly considering buying an electric razor to use on my neck as even the aforementioned routine fails to prevent mild outbreaks of shaving irritation, which disgusts me and makes me feel nauseous.  I also personally dislike the skin color of my neck, so, if there's a little stubble, it's for the best.  My neck skin looks yellow compared with the rosy hue of the cheek area of my face.  I also think dark stubble creates a unique contrast with the blond shade of my hair.  In Japan, this further amplifies my more unique and desirable facial qualities.  Yesterday I paid sixty dollars for a haircut.  My stylist was a professional makeup artist in London and told me I looked like a Beatle and that Japanese people think my hair color is very beautiful. 

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Dear Wikipedia,

"I have deleted the sentence 'Led Zeppelin is widely regarded as the first heavy metal band.' for the following reasons: (1) the citation is to someone else's opinion, which is not a citation at all; (2) 'heavy metal' is an arbitrary label critics have created ex post facto; (3) the hard-rock-heavy metal debate is absurd by its very nature, because both of these terms are arbitrary in the said aforementioned manner; and (4) Led Zeppelin's music predates the term 'heavy metal' by over ten years.  In summary, calling Led Zeppelin's music heavy metal and citing the song "Black Dog" is akin to calling The Beatles's music 'heavy metal' and citing the song 'Helter Skelter'.  To that, saying Led Zeppelin was the first heavy metal band is saying hip hop and electronica were respectively founded by Keith Moon (since hiphop repeats rock and roll drum breaks) and Bob Dylan (who's plug-in helped fuel the critical popularity of electronic instruments).  In actuality, music (and human cultural institution in general) is best-described as an irregular and complex continuum, not unlike natural history: Apropos, songs become popular by human artificial selection.  'In this world in which we're livin' ',  it has always been the mission of the least discerning to group and classify the unclassifiable and thereby make it easier to understand.  But this is spurious.  Those whose mission it is to classify Led Zeppelin as 'heavy metal' seek only to cite a widely-respected group for the sole purpose of bringing respect to a widely and justifiably unrespected genre, besides Whitesnake of course. 

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The Video Store

I went to the video store today.  Unlike US stores, Japanese video stores responded to the onslaught of free downloading by reducing their prices, and thus are thriving.  When I was back home for Christmas a few years ago, the internet in my house was broken, and I desperately wanted to watch Season 2 of Rome.  I think I paid around 85 dollars in all at Blockbuster - a mistake.  However, today I rented twelve DVDs for twelve dollars from Video One, the second floor of which is enirely devoted to pornography.

 American comedic genius, Michael Moore, sandwiched between Will Ferrell and Robin Williams

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